Remember Dr. Fauci’s “two weeks to flatten the curve” promise? Well what he never fully explained was that the curve being flattened was the national I.Q. curve, a curve that has now been so ironed down that it’s beginning to look like western Kansas. What many of us have learned over this past two hellish years is that if the world is not falling apart some people just can’t be happy. I like to call this the Chicken Little Syndrome, or CLS: a pleasurable and profitable (for big Tech/Pharma) experiment in mass psychosis designed to facilitate various anxiety disorders among the public. CLS has played a vital role in “popularizing” the global Covid-19 pandemic for millions by filling up entire nations with newly proselytized hypochondriacs.

Actually, SARS-Cov-2 is proving to be one of the most unusual contagions in the history of medicine. It has been credited with causing massive mortality stats in a surprising variety of ways. These have reportedly included SARS induced gunshot wounds, automobile accidents (probably from wearing face masks a bit too high) fatal drug doses, Remdisivir induced renal failure, and even one reported case where the virus induced its victim to fall off a roof! Not only does this killer snuff out the unwary in multiple ways but respected health authorities advise us that it even behaves differently in different settings. For example, it becomes virtually non-transmissible in large grocery stores or big-box retailers and yet in small mom and pop restaurants, public libraries, and especially churches it quickly morphs into a raging killer. Therefore, such high risk establishments need to be locked down in order to “contain the spread.” (Which is what a mayonnaise jar does, right?)

Speaking of containing the spread, that too is a highly volatile topic, like the virus itself. The optimal method of “spread containment” is to triple mask your entire face, especially when riding a bicycle or driving alone in your car. This way you send a strong message to those rascally little viruses to behave themselves, especially in public! (Every mother’s classic line, I”m never take you kids out in public again if you don’t start behaving.”) Fortunately for those lucky individuals who haven’t already succumbed to asthma reactions, hypoxia, face rashes, and sundry breathing disorders from over-masking, there are now multiple levels of needle jabs for added protection. In fact, some states are now introducing a jab punch card system where, after the fifth jab, you get to attend your child’s Christmas or Easter pageant. (Authorities have been overly generous on this one!)

If you don’t have kids (and after taking the jab you probably won’t have any more) you can use that social credit bonus to attend at least one sporting event or possibly attend church, if you still do that sort of thing. As an added thank you gift you will receive a little American flag sticker that says, “I was jabbed for my country.” It’s very patriotic and heartwarming (assuming your heart still works normally after you get poked).

Of course, those horse-paste guzzling, selfish bastards who refuse to inject God-knows-what into their bodies are a different story. Virtuous Americans are running out of patience with these deplorable, obtuse, red-necked, anti-science trolls. Worse, those red-state philistines even object to their 5-year-old kids getting jabbed (despite that group’s 99.99% survival rate vis a vis the actual virus). The real problem is that these irritating killjoys have no team spirit, and arrogantly assume that they have more right to make their kid’s medical decisions than some opaque government agency or political hack who pretends to be a licensed M.D. Luckily those uncooperative, neandral-thinking “renegades from reason” can now be openly discriminated against in restaurants and hospitals; summarily fired from their jobs; even be shipped off to containment camps for the non-compliant. These sensible policies were carefully crafted by far-seeing leaders which, among other factors, are meant to help ameliorate the developing critical labor shortages that are currently shutting down hospital beds, emergency responses, and supply chain infrastructure. I’m also guessing that in time yellow stars worn on the sleeve will be making a fashion comeback among the anti-vaxx group.

And we all now know that these government mandated jabs are “safe and effective” because, so far, only +21,000 Americans have gone happily to their Maker shortly after being jabbed. Another 110,000 or so luckier souls only required hospitalization, according to the CDC’s dysfunctional VAERS reporting system which actually captures as much as 5% of actual vaccine injury data according to a Harvard study. Great News! Forget all those young, healthy athletes who seem to be dropping like flies after receiving their mandated jabs. Those videos are just conspiratorial right-wing optics; just one more prime example of “misinformation” that our diligent High Tech protectors are working tirelessly to shield us against.

Suddenly we have heard astounding news from the CDC that dying from Covid is not the same thing as dying with Covid. Sure, I might die with a steak knife in my hand but that doesn’t mean that the wine wasn’t poisoned (which is why you should always leave your waiter a decent tip). Yes, this is a truly ingenious virus, masquerading under a host of names and symptoms: Covid, Delta, Omicron ~ and like James Bond, all licensed to kill. Imitating that legendary secret agent these sly, covert variants can employ any number of fatal techniques, but they seem to get more creative when boosted by an experimental, gene modifying jab. Their favorite weapons to date are diabetes, heart inflamation, blood clots, embolisms, cardiac arrest, organ failures (and don’t forget falling off a roof). But these viruses also play with your mind to create depression, isolation, social dysfunction, and various mental disorders, especially in children and adolescents. To that end our public authorities cooperate by encouraging lockdowns, remote learning, social separation, and facial diapers ~ all of which make every child’s life so much more meaningful.

To quote the legendary Elmer Fudd, “It’s a wery wascally wirus, to be sure.” So you’d better take whatever those all-knowing governmental paladins of health demand of you seriously because this curve is still not sufficiently flattened. (Now wait a minute, did Fauci say two weeks or two years? We’d better go back and re-watch that speech, or was it the earlier one where he said Trump was over-reacting, or the one where he said that face masks were basically useless, or the other one when he promised….?) Well, from this point I think I’ll take my cue from Elmer Fudd. He’s harder to understand but way more consistent than any official narrative I’ve yet heard from the “experts.”

Francis J. Pierson +a.m.d.g.